The Human Enterprise Blog

"I just said that." What's Happening To Our Listening?
Over the last couple of months Deborah (Deb), my wife of 32 years, has been saying this a lot: “I just said that.” In other words, you’re not listening. Well, even worse than that: “I don’t feel heard.” It’s a real wake-up call for me to get more present, get out of my head and connect to someone I love passionately, and would never want to hurt.

Over the last couple of months Deborah (Deb), my wife of 32 years, has been saying this a lot: “I just said that.” In other words, you’re not listening. Well, even worse than that: “I don’t feel heard.” It’s a real wake-up call for me to get more present, get out of my head and connect to someone I love passionately, and would never want to hurt.

I’m now convinced that not feeling heard is at the bottom of so many business failures, leadership failures, relationship breakdowns and societal crises that we keep hearing about day after day.

So let me overview a few of the issues around our “not listening”, and then go onto some success strategies.

The Problem With Our NOT LISTENING

1. It aint that sexy

Let’s face it, when was the last time you signed up for a two to three day workshop on listening? Particularly if you’re a Senior Manager. I mean it’s 101 stuff isn’t it. When was the last time you heard of a great leader being a motivating, engaging, inspiring “listener”. But we spend a fortune, literally billions on training people to better communicate and mostly it involves how to get your point across rather than really understand someone else’s point.

2. It's the height of arrogance

Not listening really is the ultimate form of arrogance. Confidence and certainty are such admired traits in leaders. But this has to be balanced with openness, an ability to say you were wrong, to let go of control on occasions, and a huge dose of humility. So many of the issues I see in the consulting side of our business are because people have not listened: to their clients, their consumers, their people, their vendors and suppliers, or to the community at large.

3. How will we ever grow and learn?

Sure, there’s many ways of growing and learning but not being open to others opinions and letting go of your own position may get you in a lot of trouble and “stunt” your growth. And it’s often the people we think have the least to offer in terms of ideas, possibilities, perceptions, that we can most learn from.

“Out of the mouths of babes.”

Trouble is, once we judge someone to be a “wanker”, we then shut down our ability to hear their point of view. We listen to everything they say through our “wanker filter”. And even the gems don’t get through. And it’s often points of view that directly challenge our thinking that will give us those “ah ha” moments and breakthroughs.

4. No involvement, no commitment

Well, this isn’t exactly true but it is true that involvement breeds commitment. Sure, as a leader you have to make tough calls. And if you did everything everyone told you, you’d go crazy. In fact, you probably wouldn’t do anything at all. You’d be frozen in an “icy” sea of options.

But the problem is so often people in business feel they’ve just been told, rather than having their opinion sought or canvassed. People may not always agree with your final decision, but if they feel heard they’re more likely to get on board.

Contrast this to leaders who have an over-used telling, directing style. It may initially be faster, yet because there’s no emotional buy-in, execution and implementation seem to take an eternity. You’ll hear again and again from people:

“Why wasn’t I asked?”

“Why wasn’t I told? (and have an opportunity to respond)”

5. You'll never be listened to

We live in a reciprocal world. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. More and more in the corporate world I’m seeing people “switch off” to what their leaders are saying. Because it seems what they’re saying simply reinforces the fact that they’re not being listened to. Please explain. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen something like engagement or communication surveys done. People answer with this thought in mind:

“You want my opinion.”

“You will listen to me.”

“You will act on my feedback.”

And as you know, in many cases this just doesn’t happen. In fact, we fill out the surveys year after year and the same issues surface. We’re not listening.

You have to earn the right to be listened to, and this means initially proving that you are someone who will listen. Gandhi summed it up beautifully: “Be the revolution you wish to see in the world.” So how can we improve our ability to listen?

Some Simple Guidelines For Better Listening

1. Make it your intention

Attention follows intention. Make it your intention to listen. Forget about all the stuff you learnt as listening techniques: “ah ha, hmm, say more about that.” You’ll do these naturally if you just make it your intention to listen.

2. Go beyond listening

It’s not so much the listening that’s important, it’s the fact that the other person feels heard. They feel validated. Hugh McKay, in his expansive book “What Makes Us Tick: The Ten Desires That Drive Our Behaviour”, talks about our key need to be taken seriously. Feeling heard means what you say counts, it means therefore that you count, that you are important. It’s the ultimate way to recognise someone. I love that the Na’vi word for hello means “I see you”.

3. Just get a little then a lot better

I’ve never been that good at the numbers, even though I’ve run my own business now for 25 years. But there’s one formula I do know well which my Aunty Alison, a brilliant Maths teacher, astute property investor and a marvellous aunty taught me years ago:

A = PRN

Where

A = Amount

P = Principal

R = 1 + r/100 where r=rate of interest

N = Number of Years

Recognise it? I’m sure all you property investors will. It’s the compound interest formula : “The eighth wonder of the world is compound interest.” Albert Einstein

So what the hell has this got to do with listening? (Apart from listening to your wise Aunty.) Well, if you just focused on improving your listening a little each day (say 1%) within 72 days you’d be twice as good at listening. Now that’s a lot better.

4. A magic listening technique that works every time

Here’s some consulting gold, potentially worth millions to you. If you want to listen more, SHUT UP! Yes, that’s it. Stop talking. Stop constantly wanting to share your opinions, share your knowledge, share your solutions, and share your experience. Now I’m really calling the kettle black here. I mean I speak for a living, but as I get older I’m also learning better when to shut up. It’s obviously very simple. When you’re talking you aint listening. And if you are a talker (like me), often when we listen we are listening for an opportunity to talk. And that ain’t listening either.

I love coaching leaders. I love to see them learn, grow and develop. But sometimes I’m so eager to give them my ideas and knowledge, I forget one of the fundamentals of great coaching. Create the space where people can come up with their own answers.

I’ll be sharing the results of our Leadership Coaching Survey we did earlier this year, in our next correspondence, along with a coaching offer for 2012. It will help you enormously in selecting your leadership coach.

5. Don't be in such a hurry

Sometimes I find myself listening and then when I get it, I finish off the other person’s sentences. I mean it saves time doesn’t it, it shows you’re following doesn’t it? Gong. Thank you for playing, as the great Robin Williams says. Yes, but the speaker is left with the feeling of what’s the point as you do all the punch lines. No-one likes to have their mind read or have presumptions made about the next thing that should come out of their mouth. So I recommend just to shut up and listen, let them finish their sentences, not you.

So There We Go

There’s probably dozens of other bits and pieces we could add about listening (please share your experience and advice on our facebook page or send us an email, we do listen). I love this poem my Mum taught me as a little boy – it says it all:

“A wise old owl

Sat on an oak

The more he heard

The less he spoke

The less he spoke

The more he heard

Oh why can’t we be like

That wise old bird?”

Thanks Mum, you are a “wise old bird”.

Something Personal

And finally, on a personal note, one night I sat on the corner of my daughter’s bed, listening to how sad she was about an illness she was suffering. I felt absolutely helpless. Inside I felt my heart being ripped out of me. I’m sure if you’re a parent you’ll know what I mean.

So rather than give her any fatherly advice, I just listened with every ounce of compassion and love that I could. Yet I went to bed feeling such a failure, it felt like there was nothing I could do to help her.

In the morning I awoke to find a beautiful colour drawing that my daughter Ruby had done of a smiling Little Mermaid, with the words: “Thanks for listening Dad. I love you.”

It is my favourite possession.

Please listen to each other. I’m sure that in all the areas we lead – business, home, our community – the intention and the skill of listening has the power to change our world. And it starts at home.

“Deb, I’m listening.”

Once again, "may the force be with you". 

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