Who Are You Kidding?
Ever blamed anyone in your team of poor performance? Or even if you haven’t blamed them, thought "surely they should be performing better than this?" Worse still, you’ve had to “let them go”?
Well guess what, you may just be kidding yourself. Because horror of horrors it may be you, that’s the problem.
I just read an intriguing book. Only short, but profound. It’s called “Leadership & Self Deception” by The Arbinger Institute. Let me try to give you a bit of a feel for it, through my eyes.
After over 30 years of working with leaders, I’ve discovered many of them have very little self awareness of how they impact people. Myself included. And how sometimes their impact is having exactly the opposite effect of that they want.
It’s detracting from, rather than getting results.
Senior Leaders particularly, are often the last to know this because they can get so busy they fail to really hear the feedback their people are giving them.
And their people just get tired from it all. So much energy goes into managing the leader and all their idiosyncrasies, that their attention is taken away from serving customers, growing the business, making the numbers and obtaining a brilliant bottom line.
Has someone ever confronted you about your "style" and how it is effecting them?
If you took on their comments and promised to change but slipped back into your old ways, they're going to get over you pretty quickly. In fact, some people might just become physically sick because of you. Difficult to grasp isn't it?
However, it is easy to change.
But first an example from my own life.
My son Abe is away at Uni. When he does come home he has a number of jobs to do to pull his weight around the house to do his bit. One is cleaning the pool filter of leaves.
The last time he was home, I just knew he hadn’t done it (again). So I checked. And sure enough, I was right! “Bloody Cabana Boy can stay out to all hours of the night lifting one beer after another, but poor baby doesn’t even have the strength to clean the pool filter”.
Now being the leader I am, I told him. I let him know exactly what I thought of him. Gave it to him straight, made him accountable, told him to lift his game. (And actually, when I think about it, even got some secret pleasure out of it, knowing I was right).
But guess what? After my brilliant performance, worthy of at least a Golden Globe, he still didn’t clean the filter. I still didn’t get the result I wanted, and the relationship suffered.
Let’s step back and see what happened.
Well a number of things, but one in particular I want to focus on.
It wasn’t what I said to him, or what I did, it was who I was “BEING” in that moment.
The part of me that spoke to him was the “righteously screwed” father, who has worked his arse off to provide opportunities for him, that he just doesn’t appreciate. “How dare he let me down, of course he is to blame”. Sound familiar?
Here I was treating him (yes my only son) as an object, an object of blame. Someone who has a job to do and should do it. And his “letting me down” fuelled my self righteousness even further. I went deeper into “my box” as they say at the Arbinger Institute.
This is exactly what happens with many leaders as they give feedback to others or “put up with” the performance around them. They get angry and give their feedback from “a heart at war” not “a heart at peace”.
When they do see poor performance they often:
None of this really works, so what does?
CHANGE WHO YOU ARE BEING NOT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
That’s right. If you see others as just OBJECTS to blame rather than people who have the same hopes, desires, fears and concerns as you do, they’ll rarely respond well to your feedback.
If you just see them as a “direct report”, what the philosopher Martin Buber called “I-It” rather than a human being (“I-thou”), you won’t get the result you are after.
It’s really as simple as that. If you come from that authentic place, that doesn’t want to blame, but wants a result, that doesn’t want to make them wrong, but wants to help, that doesn’t want to reinforce your own “rightness” and their “wrongness”, the result you see will be mind blowing.
Back to my example
So I thought about it and I talked to Abe as his Dad. A Dad that loves him with all his heart and soul. The Dad that just wants him to learn about the importance of working together, as a family (or a team), the Dad that is so proud of him in so many ways.
Quite frankly I can’t even remember what I said, but I can remember the magic between us, the connection, the trust, the commitment of working it out together. And we did. The filter got cleaned.
So next time you find yourself blaming anyone and you need to have one of these conversations, who will you BE?
Need some summary steps? Here they are:
I’d really like your feedback on this one. Let me know how you get on. I’d love nothing more than you letting me know about a conversation with a friend, a partner, a child, where you really did alter who you were BEING in that moment.
You can send your feedback by replying to this email or contact me via our website.
Because for us at The Human Enterprise this is the essence of our HIGHER PURPOSE
“To transform the way people live their lives, lead their businesses and leave a legacy."
And as always, please feel free to pass this newsletter on.
Yours in leadership
Paul (trying to be better) Mitchell
You can read more newsletters here. Or, if you want to become a subscriber and have the "Everyone Leads" Leadership Newsletter delivered straight to your in-box then simply leave your details in the form on the right (or below). Subscription is free and your personal information will be kept safe and secure.
Well guess what, you may just be kidding yourself. Because horror of horrors it may be you, that’s the problem.
I just read an intriguing book. Only short, but profound. It’s called “Leadership & Self Deception” by The Arbinger Institute. Let me try to give you a bit of a feel for it, through my eyes.
After over 30 years of working with leaders, I’ve discovered many of them have very little self awareness of how they impact people. Myself included. And how sometimes their impact is having exactly the opposite effect of that they want.
It’s detracting from, rather than getting results.
Senior Leaders particularly, are often the last to know this because they can get so busy they fail to really hear the feedback their people are giving them.
And their people just get tired from it all. So much energy goes into managing the leader and all their idiosyncrasies, that their attention is taken away from serving customers, growing the business, making the numbers and obtaining a brilliant bottom line.
Has someone ever confronted you about your "style" and how it is effecting them?
If you took on their comments and promised to change but slipped back into your old ways, they're going to get over you pretty quickly. In fact, some people might just become physically sick because of you. Difficult to grasp isn't it?
However, it is easy to change.
But first an example from my own life.
My son Abe is away at Uni. When he does come home he has a number of jobs to do to pull his weight around the house to do his bit. One is cleaning the pool filter of leaves.
The last time he was home, I just knew he hadn’t done it (again). So I checked. And sure enough, I was right! “Bloody Cabana Boy can stay out to all hours of the night lifting one beer after another, but poor baby doesn’t even have the strength to clean the pool filter”.
Now being the leader I am, I told him. I let him know exactly what I thought of him. Gave it to him straight, made him accountable, told him to lift his game. (And actually, when I think about it, even got some secret pleasure out of it, knowing I was right).
But guess what? After my brilliant performance, worthy of at least a Golden Globe, he still didn’t clean the filter. I still didn’t get the result I wanted, and the relationship suffered.
Let’s step back and see what happened.
Well a number of things, but one in particular I want to focus on.
It wasn’t what I said to him, or what I did, it was who I was “BEING” in that moment.
The part of me that spoke to him was the “righteously screwed” father, who has worked his arse off to provide opportunities for him, that he just doesn’t appreciate. “How dare he let me down, of course he is to blame”. Sound familiar?
Here I was treating him (yes my only son) as an object, an object of blame. Someone who has a job to do and should do it. And his “letting me down” fuelled my self righteousness even further. I went deeper into “my box” as they say at the Arbinger Institute.
This is exactly what happens with many leaders as they give feedback to others or “put up with” the performance around them. They get angry and give their feedback from “a heart at war” not “a heart at peace”.
When they do see poor performance they often:
- Try to change others (rarely works)
- Do their best to “cope” with it (they slowly become resentful)
- Don’t spend as much time with them, not answer their emails, or attend their meetings (avoidance behaviour at its best)
- Begin communicating the problem in a “no fuss” very factual manner (comes across as very condescending)
- Try implementing various feedback techniques. Perhaps something they've learnt from a coach or mentor. (problem is you’re still coming from the same place)
None of this really works, so what does?
CHANGE WHO YOU ARE BEING NOT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
That’s right. If you see others as just OBJECTS to blame rather than people who have the same hopes, desires, fears and concerns as you do, they’ll rarely respond well to your feedback.
If you just see them as a “direct report”, what the philosopher Martin Buber called “I-It” rather than a human being (“I-thou”), you won’t get the result you are after.
It’s really as simple as that. If you come from that authentic place, that doesn’t want to blame, but wants a result, that doesn’t want to make them wrong, but wants to help, that doesn’t want to reinforce your own “rightness” and their “wrongness”, the result you see will be mind blowing.
Back to my example
So I thought about it and I talked to Abe as his Dad. A Dad that loves him with all his heart and soul. The Dad that just wants him to learn about the importance of working together, as a family (or a team), the Dad that is so proud of him in so many ways.
Quite frankly I can’t even remember what I said, but I can remember the magic between us, the connection, the trust, the commitment of working it out together. And we did. The filter got cleaned.
So next time you find yourself blaming anyone and you need to have one of these conversations, who will you BE?
Need some summary steps? Here they are:
- Assume you are often in your box of “self righteousness”.
- Assume you don’t know it, and are sending mixed messages.
- Assume others have told you, and you changed for a bit and then slipped back into your old ways.
- Know that as soon as it feels like you’re blaming others, you are betraying (kidding) yourself. STOP IT.
- Don’t worry what others are doing wrong, focus on what you can do to help them do it right - the result.
- Don’t worry about whether others are helping you, worry whether you’re actually helping them enough.
- Don’t worry about how you are behaving, do worry about who you are BEING.
- Don’t try to be perfect with this stuff; do try to get better at it.
I’d really like your feedback on this one. Let me know how you get on. I’d love nothing more than you letting me know about a conversation with a friend, a partner, a child, where you really did alter who you were BEING in that moment.
You can send your feedback by replying to this email or contact me via our website.
Because for us at The Human Enterprise this is the essence of our HIGHER PURPOSE
“To transform the way people live their lives, lead their businesses and leave a legacy."
And as always, please feel free to pass this newsletter on.
Yours in leadership
Paul (trying to be better) Mitchell
You can read more newsletters here. Or, if you want to become a subscriber and have the "Everyone Leads" Leadership Newsletter delivered straight to your in-box then simply leave your details in the form on the right (or below). Subscription is free and your personal information will be kept safe and secure.
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I took the time last night to quietly read your “Beating the Depression” newsletter. Wow… Such a great piece and an important reminder of the power of optimism...Very timely, with so much “bad” news and negativity around the place...it’s hard not to get caught up in the doom and gloom.
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